Valentine’s Day is a day for lovers, it’s too true. Candlelit dinners, walks in the park, boxes of chocolates, heartfelt, thoughtful gifts, even engagements—but some couples don’t roll like that. Some couples keep it real, and keep it funny. Everything else is just too much. This is a list for lighthearted couples who just want to laugh.
You’ve got thirty-sex chances of scoring with these naughty Valentine’s Day dice. So go ahead and Gamble on a night of hot romance! No thinking necessary. The black die has a sexy action written on each side, and the white die has a body part.
No more beating around the bush. No more awkward phone sentences like, “Umm, I was hoping we could have some alone time…” This little bell says “Ring for Sex.” Hopefully for you, it will have your sweetheart running like one of Pavlov’s dogs.
Speaking of rating farts on scale of one to ten, we introduce to you the ancient Art of Poo. We’re not talking about a cute little Taoist take on a bear. We’re talkin dookie. Droppin’ the kids off at the pool. This Valentine’s Day, give your sweetheart fifty-two awesome ways to poop.
Why You're So Hot
This book give you over a hundred ways to tell your sweetheart they’re the bee’s knees, the cat’s pajamas, the yin to your yang, the jelly to your roll, a real doll, a sweet patootie, a fox, a looker—the choices go on and on. If there’s one day you can get away with cheesy slang, it’s Valentine’s Day.
I Love You from Top to Bottom
From top to bottom, from morning to night, to the moon and back, and through every room in the house. Every one—including the bathroom. This Valentine’s Day gift will keep things fun and light for you and your sweetheart. Only for couples with a sense of humor!
Guys, if you feel like you’re not living up to her standards this Valentine’s Day, this gift is just what she needs. He’s the perfect man. He’s cute, keeps his mouth shut, doesn’t track mud through the kitchen, and never, ever argues. A woman couldn’t ask for more. Disclaimer: doll is anatomically incomplete.
Porn for Women
Sexist, misogynistic, archaic, and probably totally inappropriate. Sounds like it could be good, huh? This book is filled cover to cover with sexy men doing things like…vacuuming. Washing the dishes. Folding laundry. Saying things like, “Eat more, you look too thin.” Women, prepare to get twitter-pated.
You know you have the right man for you if he busts out laughing the moment he opens this Valentine’s Day gift. You really know you have the right man if the first thing he does is puts it on and does his best Patrick Swayze for you. Or Channing Tatum, for you young ‘uns out there.
Spider in a Box
This will be funny, but you’re going to have some making up to do after you scare the bejeezus out of your sweetheart with this Valentine’s gift. It looks like a mild-mannered little box of candy. Smile your innocent schoolboy smile, and when she opens it up: SPIDER!!!
Psyche! You thought beer was included—no such luck. You provide the beer, the box holds the Valentine’s Day card of your choosing. Our advice: fill the six pack with six different local micro-brews and sample them over a nice Valentine’s Day dinner.
Netflix and Chill?
The Jody Grind, A Bit of Crumpet, Bandicooting, Bakin’ Cookies, Bow-chicka-wow-wow, Dancing in the Sheets, Hibbety-Dibbety, Driving Miss Daisy, Hot Yoga—you know what all these have in common? There’s a new one for a new generation, and this little bear says it loud and proud: Netflix and Chill.
I Love You Egg Shaper
Ha! Make your honey breakfast in bed this Valentine’s Day and the main course—eggs or pancakes—can come out perfectly heart-shaped with this Teflon mold. It works in any frying pan. If you sweetheart is as pun-nuy as you are, they’ll beat you to the hardy-har-har-hearty breakfast joke.
50 Shades of Brown
Clear the air this Valentine’s Day with this romantic lavatory mist. Because let’s face it: some things about couple-hood nobody tells you. Here’s one—everybody poops, sometimes. Here’s another—even the hottest guy or girl can leave behind a powerful stench. Problem solved.
Smash the glass ceiling. Fight for what’s right. Equal pay for equal work! Scan the internet, and you’ll find flasks disguises as all sorts of things. The problem is, they all seem to be geared toward men. This Valentine’s get her a flask—and a place at the boardroom table.
Mr. And Mrs. Mugs
Guys, rule # 1: learn it. This one made us LOL, just like the first gift on this list. It’s a set of mugs for a couple who knows their relative places in the grand scheme of things. He’s Mr. Right, of course, or she wouldn’t have married him. And she’s Mrs. Always Right. Just cause.
They tell parents the money they think they’re putting away for college is, in reality, for the future therapy their kids are going to need, because everyone messes up their kids somehow. But what’s a mom to do? Where’s her therapy fund? In a bottle of red wine, duh.
Do Not Disturb
Shut up and go away! But really I love you. This sleeping mask tells it like it is. And this Valentine’s Day, you can give her this gift to let her know that you understand exactly what she means when she mumbles and rolls over in bed.
U Suck iPhone Case
Sarcasm is a crutch that keeps people from expressing true feelings. Screw that—sarcasm is how you feel, but in a quirk of double-irony practiced every day in the modern world, we get to use it to say what we don’t mean. Did you follow that? Then you’ll love this iPhone case.
15 Funny DIY Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas
A girl can never have too many bobby pins, so give her one of these super cute matchbox Valentines to keep them in. Made using the free printable included, these little boxes can be built by you, and then filled with some pink and red-tipped pins, or some delicious candy for him.
His and Her Pillow Cases
We all have a favorite side to the bed, so make sure the territories are well marked out with this pair of his and hers pillowcases. Choose a pair of covers that match the bedding, and then follow the instructions to create the two joining hearts with their ‘names’ in red.
Tic Tac Valentines
Give them the gift of fresh breath and romance with this sweet and inexpensive Valentine’s gift. The cute labels are free to print at home, and can be pasted directly over the standard Tic Tac label, turning them into a pocket sized treat that will make them smile.
DIY Giant Gilded Love Bugs
Arachnophobes and arachnophiles alike will adore these super cute love bugs. They start off life as common or garden toy bugs, but with a coat of gold paint and a steady hand, they turn into gilded insects complete with little red hearts painted on their butts.
Valentine’s Day Wheel
This decision wheel will make the perfect funny Valentine’s gift for couples who never know what to do on date night. Easy to make with a 9” lazy Susan, hot glue, and the free printable template, this wheel will solve the problem of where to go and/or what to do.
DIY Love Potion Bath Sets
This simple idea will add a frisson of magic and romance to any couple’s night in. Easy to make, you simply fill tiny glass bottles with bath salts or seductively scented bubble bath, dip the cork lid in glitter, and add a sweet hand-written tag to tell them what it is.
You're The Bomb Valentine Bath Bombs
There aren’t many people who don’t enjoy a long soak in the tub, so how about making a batch of these bath bombs? Using skin nourishing shea or coconut butter, these heart-shaped bath fizzers can be presented in a pretty jar, with one of the free printable ‘You’re the Bomb’ labels attached.
The Original Bacon Hearts
Make breakfast in bed a delicious affair with these bacon hearts. Shaped into delightful little symbols of love, these slices will go crispy and sizzling when baked in the oven, and could also be eaten as a tasty snack while watching a romantic movie. You could even dip them in chocolate!
Guys, do you think you can handle an awesome DIY? You bet Jurassic you can. This T-Rex is coming for her heart this Valentine’s Day—and you’re the one who’s gonna make it happen. You only have two stops to make: the toy store and the craft store. Next stop? He heart.
Here’s a funny DIY for either a guy or a gal to make in no time flat: fortune cookies with silly messages inside. Buy the empty cookies, and use the downloadable template for your messages. Or put your brain to work and print up a few of your own.
I Only Have Eyes for You Card
This googly-eye Valentine’s Day card is super easy to make and it’s sure to make your sweetheart giggle. You just need a blank card, a bit of paint, a paintbrush, and some stick on googly eyes from the drugstore. This project will take five minutes. Srsly.
If there’s one person on earth you can bust out your cheesiest jokes on, it’s got to be your sweetheart. And the day that it’s most acceptable? Valentine’s Day, of course. This tutorial shows you how to make an origami unicorn and fix it to a Valentine’s heart.
Eeeeeewwwwww, gross!!! But freaking hilarious. Love has never been this gooey before. Follow the steps to make this dripping heart of love. And please, don’t skip the line you never knew you’d be able to say: “Baby, Slime All Yours!”
If you liked the spider-in-a-box gift we included on the list above, you’ll die for these love bugs. Just get to the dollar store and find some plastic bugs, head home with some gold paint and maybe a sticker heart or two, and you’ve got a funny and romantic DIY ready for Valentine’s Day.
(Read this next: 21 Funny Valentine’s Day Cards for Your Loved One)