You’ve already given your cash for the real gift. It’s time to get something that’ll make everyone laugh. This list has ways to help you stand out as the life of the party and options to keep your retired pal laughing for the rest of their life. Retirement is a celebration and these gifts will make sure that everyone celebrates and remembers you as the life of the party.
You're Only Old Once by Dr. Seuss
This is the original retirement gift. When you get a chance to go to a retirement party, you should consider bringing this classic along. This will give everyone a chance to share a laugh together. The smooth cadence of Dr. Seuss is something that never leaves us and this book offers the same smooth rhythm and rhyme we loved as children.
Retirement Survival Kit
From the Hawaiian shirt coozie to the other items, this kit will keep them laughing for the entire evening and beyond. The coozie itself is probably worth the price, but you also get a bottle opener and a pair of decision making dice. This little gag will keep on giving.
Over the Hill Decision Maker
This comical decision maker will help with all of life’s important decisions. Now there’s no need to worry about whether you should shop, fish, golf or anything. Just spin the spinner and they’ll have their day fully planned. This little gag gift might end up on the fridge or the coffee table for a good long while.
Retirement Text Lingo Mug
This mug will keep everyone laughing. Include a nice bag of coffee to make it a real gift if you’d like. If not, this mug will speak for itself with great text lingo like ROFLCGU, Rolling on Floor Laughing, Can’t Get Up. These are great phrases to bring the laughter for months and years to come.
Getting old can be tough. This will keep them always at the ready with a spare pair of underpants in their pocket or purse. This will be the best gag gift of the evening and you’re guaranteed to make a few people shed tears from laughing so hard. In fact, they might not make it through the night in mint condition.
This hearing enhancer is particularly appropriate for the hard of hearing, otherwise known as stubborn, co-worker. Sometimes, they just didn’t hear you, or at least missed a few details. Help them out with this little gag so they’ll never miss anything again.
Offensive Business Cards
Now that they have no need for real business cards, these wonderful cards will suffice. They’ll have no need to leave contact information for folks. Instead, they can leave exactly what’s on their mind. Now that they’ve joined the retired class, they don’t have to be polite.
Potty Night Light
Life gets tough for old folks. One area they need to stay sharp is in the john. This night light will prevent any embarrassing clean up situations before they ever happen. This little gag gift might become a useful product for some. That adds a whole new level of humor.
I'm Retired Go Around Me bumper sticker
There’s no reason to rush. Not anymore. This bumper sticker will let everyone know that there’s no need to lay on the horn or tailgate. The results are not going to change because there’s nothing so urgent as getting to where you’re going in one piece. The perfect giggle gift.
I'm Retired and You're Not Apron
A great way to show off their new retirement. This is particularly appropriate for a grill master or baker. They can wear their apron while they work in the kitchen or while they get everything together for a great cookout. Regardless, they’ll be able to put this to use and it’ll be a gift that lasts beyond the first week or two of retirement.
Mints are used to jar the memory and help you focus. So, there is some scientific validity to the idea of memory mints. However, that’s not the point here. This is sure to get a giggle every time they reach for a mint. They might just refill the box and carry it around for as long as it lasts. It’ll be a great ice breaker in the most literal sense.
What’s a good party without a princess? Even better if your retiree is a man. They can prance around all night with the tiara on just so everyone knows who the party is for. After the party, they can keep this as a little memento of their great send off. It won’t last forever, but at some point they can pass it on to a granddaughter for playtime.
Senior Citizen Award
This classic certificate welcomes the new retiree into a group that they’ve waited a long time to be a part of. Now, they are officially welcomed with a certificate and everything. This might even make it into a real frame and go on a wall at some point. This could be the laugh that keeps going well into retirement.
Over The Hill Cane
To the people who have finally made it over the hill and to the land of retirement! It’s loaded with funny gag gifts that make it a bit more casual. The cane can come in handy too one day if they get injured or just need a bit of help moving along!
This is an entertaining way to pass the time while you pass some other things as well. The sad truth is that everyone who receives this gift will try it out at some point. You don’t have to focus on that. Just have a good laugh and know in the back of your mind that in the next week some time, they will be sitting on the pot practicing their putt.
Retired Warning Sign
This sign sums up the perks of being retired. You don’t have to answer to anyone for the rest of your life. This is a great reminder that there’s no boss to answer to and no task list that controls their daily life. This is sure to get a few laughs and bring a smile to the retirees face, as well as getting a chuckle from the boss.
Every good beauty queen gets a sash, too. Not only will they be crowned and sashed for the entire night, but they may pick up scrapbooking during retirement. This will be a great little addition to a scrapbooking page. It will go nicely with pictures and other mementos from the evening. All this without trying to salvage a sweetener packet or a cocktail napkin.
Happy Retirement Golf Balls
This one’s perfect for the golfer who’s retiring and is even better if he’s not so good and is always losing balls. It includes 2 “Happy Retirement” golf balls that he’ll be able to add to his golf bag that is most likely going to be getting much more use.
They’ll probably have a lot more time to chill out and relax now that they’re retired so they’ll definitely love to cuddle with this hilarious girlfriend pillow. It even has an arm that wraps around them for the comfiest of naps. Just make sure their wife doesn’t find out about it!
A humorous slant on the traditional face mask. It’ll probably sit on the nightstand and get used a few times before it’s finally placed in the archives. A great add on for a gift card or other gift that will get a little use in the early stages of retirement. Who knows, you may introduce them to a new luxury they hadn’t considered before.
Bucket List Pint Glass
This pint class has everything on the bucket list. You just need some beer to make this a wonderful addition to the cabinet. This will surely become the favorite glass in no time whether it’s for water, beer, or anything else. No need to go over the top with a gag; just get something they’ll use over and over.
It seems like there are pills for pretty everything when you get older. There are 3 different types of novelty pills that they’ll definitely get a kick out of as they prepare for the retired life. Maybe they’ll get the placebo effect?
100 Dollar Bill Toilet Paper
Now that they’re retired they’re going to have a bit more money sitting in their account. This gift is a funny addition to anyones bathroom. They’ll have so much money, why not turn it into toilet paper? It’ll also creep their guests out when they see these bills hanging on the roll.
I Said No Pens
One of the great things about retirement is finally being able to say no and this pen makes even that easier. It’s also a great pen to have around the house for writing down notes, just hit the button and it’ll speak one of 3 phrases.
The classic gag gift is never better than at a retirement party. They’ll be making goofs like a kid again all night and possibly beyond. The fact that it’s emblazoned with the light-hearted “old fart” moniker is just the icing on the cake. There’s no need to get carried away with a gag gift when this classic can still deliver.
Lotto Scratch Offs
Every old person fulfills themselves by investing more than they can in the lotto. Get a few scratch offs and mix in this assortment of fake scratch offs for a laugh that’s sure to get a phone call a few days later. They’ll probably have a few free tickets to thank you for as well.
Retirement IRA Piggy Bank
This little piggy bank is the new IRA. Now that they have claimed their IRA and retirement benefits, they need to put a little (very little) aside for a rainy day. What better way than a retirement IRA account. It’ll remind them of the little deductions each week that got them to the best years of their lives.
Personalized Golf Flask
Another great gift for the golfers out there. This flask can hold 6 ounces of their favorite ‘magic putting juice’ and can even be personalized with their name. They might be seeing multiple balls the next time they’re on the green but maybe it’s just what they need to counteract their poor golf skills in the first place? It’ll definitely make their next game a bit more casual and fun!
This multi-tool has all of the essential utensils needed for grilling and will make any retired-now-barbecue-chef’s job much easier. It even has a wine and bottle opener because let’s face it, alcohol is the most important ingredient for cooking on the grill!
18 Funny DIY Retirement Gifts
Coffee Break Mug
Just because a retiree no longer have to wake up early doesn’t mean they will stop enjoying coffee. This mug is a great cheeky gift to give anyone newly retired to sip their morning coffee from. With just a plain white mug and a permanent marker you can craft this easy DIY project.
Retirement is hard. No longer knowing what to do with your day can be a chore. Alleviate the trouble of decision making with this decision cube that does it for you. For this fairly easy DIY project, you’ll need white fabric, heat transfer material, and filling to stuff the cube with.
Chalkboard Wine Tray
With retirement often comes more wine, which is where this wine tray comes into play. You can write whatever you want in chalk to help point out different types of wines or bottles of alcohol. They’ll never miss wine time with this gift!
Retirement Survival Kit
Retirement can be a scary new adventure for many retirees, so give them this retirement survival kit to make the experience easier to adjust to. Just gather the ten items needed from scissors to sunscreen, wrap them in tissue paper, and put them in a gift basket with the survival guide.
Custom Beer Carrier and Glasses
Someone who is retired is ready for some hard earned relaxation. You can provide them with the tools to relax by crafting this custom beer carrier and these custom beer glasses just for them. The carrier is made from wood and fits six bottles. The glasses are customized by using a stencil and etching cream.
Yoga Mat and Strap
These yoga mats are hilarious for the people who like to exercise and eat and drink whatever they wish. They have a funny phrase printed on them that’ll encourage exercise and help burn off calories before piling them back on. Yoga has never been more tempting!
Mini Zen Garden
Retirement is all about spending your time relaxing and taking it easy. Give them this adorable mini Zen garden to keep them calm when they’re finding themselves stressed or bored. It’s small and easy to maintain. Just pick up a small dish, sand, and a few air plants and decorate it how you see fit.
Does the retiree love writing? If so then I think you can guess what they’re going to be doing a bit more with their time off. This notebook is a great way for them to keep their ideas, like world domination, organized so they’ll be able to reach their goals much sooner.
No Salespeople Sign
The newly retired will undoubtedly be spending a lot of time at home during their retired life. Unwanted visitors can be an annoying part of anyone’s day. This sign is a great way to keep their day peaceful. All you need are a frame, spray paint, a ribbon, and a “step off my step” sign.
Get your imagination ready for this fun DIY project that makes a great gift for the newly retired. Choose sixteen four-letter words related to their new style of life to form into four separate coasters. Anything from “lazy”, “beer”, to “java” make good words to include in these easy to assemble coasters.
Giant Lawn Dominoes
Dominoes are really fun to play with, but they’re small, and retirees might be having some trouble with their eyesight. Combat that problem with these gigantic lawn dominoes so they can easily see the moves they are playing. Grab some lumber, wood stain, and paint to construct these dominoes. A saw is also needed.
Over The Hill Pills
This pill bottle is a hilarious way to let them know they’re aging. You can use pretty much any of their favorite candy too so it’s a little bitter sweet and will show them that you’ll be there in their later years. They’ll really feel over the hill with this gift!
Funny Door Mat
This door mat has a bit of a Halloween theme to it but it’s also great for the rest of the year too. And it’s funny because elderly people usually always have candy at their house so it’ll fit pretty much any home. Candy not included!
With a little crafting, you can make a smooth play on what retired life will be like. Quilting, knitting, and crocheting will soon become a part of their daily life. These habits will form quickly and it’s best to make a joke of it now. In 6 months, it’ll be too late to laugh about.
Passive Aggressive Workout Gear
It’s always good to stay in shape, especially after retirement. This workout gear has some hilarious passive aggressive things printed on it that’ll make it a bit easier to get ready for any exercise. It’ll get a laugh from anyone, even if they don’t love working out too hard.
(Read this next: 31 Terrific Retirement Gifts for Women)